Former University of Tennessee Star Bill Bates Is Not Dead, Despite What Journo School Says

Living, still breathing human being, Bill Bates.

Hopefully, sometime in the past month, one of Bill Bates' five kids did not Google his dad's name alongside the word "died." Because if they had, they would've found this and then this; fake obituaries with a decidedly un-Onion like seriousness.

Bates, a former UT grad, Pro-Bowler with the Dallas Cowboys and all around feel-good story, is actually very much alive. And if you're a worried bride in the Celinas, Texas, area searching last minute for a suitable place to get hitched, he's got you covered.

So why is his alma mater saying he died in a plane crash over Kansas? And then Rome?

Blair Bolick, author of the second obit, explains:

I apologize. This was no prank. I am a student at the University of Tennessee, and for our journalism class, we were set up to do a MOCK story on tnjn.com. My professor tells me that we are the guinea pigs in this experiment. It was never supposed to be released in any way that it could be searched or Googled. I'm fully aware he is alive, but this was strictly a class assignment. I assume it was for Charles as well.

My sincerest apologizes,

Blair

Thanks, Blair. Now, as an added bonus, please enjoy the following video, which helpfully documents the origin of Bates' nickname: That Guy Who Got Run Over By Herschel Walker.

Butch Davis Says (Again) that He's Not Interested in Vols Job

During a conference call yesterday, Butch Davis once again said he's not interested in becoming Tennessee's next football coach, according to the Boston Herald:

"I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in the University of Tennessee job," Davis said during the ACC teleconference.

"It’s a great job, but I have no interest in it," he said. "As I’ve said for the last couple of weeks, I love being here, my family loves being at Carolina. We’re building with the administration everything we can every single day to build a championship football program here."

Davis also said Tennessee had not contacted his agent.

Since this is Butch Davis we're talking about, there's probably a 30-minute expiration date on his latest vow. But the more interesting candidate might be Tommy Tubberville. Auburn's had the same offensive problems that have plagued Tennessee this year, and at least one SEC coach is privately telling friends that Tuberville will soon be fired.

The Tennessee Volunteer Bloggeratti and Mike Leach: A (Doomed) Love Story

The face that sets Knoxville hearts a flutter.

Break ups are hard. But they're made easier when the guy or gal you're dumping snores, disappears when the rent is due and leaves a them-sized imprint in the couch whenever they actually get off of it. Such is the case for Tennessee football fans. Phil Fulmer is gone. Who's next?

For those with a passion for Volunteer football, and html, the answer is clear: Texas Tech coach/mad genius/gentleman pirate Mike Leach.

A cursory look through the Tennessee blogger rolls shows a clear Leach bias, with Rocky Top Talk's argument beating them all in terms of sheer length, thoroughness and authorial denial that there might be anything more important in life.

Unfortunately, a handful of e-missives do not a coaching hire make. UNC's Butch Davis will probably reverse his firm denials in favor of a mountain of cash, Leach will use UT's interest to land himself a sweeter deal in the off-season and all of West Texas will sleep easy knowing they still have their man. Sorry Vols fans, but no amount of blogger love is gonna change that.

Jon Gruden Says No to Tennessee -- and College Football

Vol fans can officially take Jon Gruden off their list of prospective Tennessee football coaches. According to ESPN, he's not interested:

"I've said it from the beginning, this is the only job I've really ever wanted," Gruden said, as quoted by the St. Petersburg Times. "As long as the Glazers will have me, I'll be here.

I've got a lot of respect for Tennessee. I grew up down there a little bit. My wife is from there. But this is where I want to be, and I can only make myself that clear."

Gruden has a contract with Tampa Bay that runs through the 2011 season. But he said that even if he wasn't under contract, college football isn't where his heart is.

"I've wanted to be in the NFL my whole life, and this is something I'm really excited to do," Gruden said. "This is where I want to be, and I'll leave it at that."

The Coming Tennessee College Football Apocalypse is Nearly Upon Us

Dudley Field, 10 or so days from now.

OK, so maybe the Commodores roll into Lexington and take care of business this Saturday. Maybe, after coming off a 42-14 loss that, in all honesty, should've been labeled Florida Starters 42 Vanderbilt Starters 0, the Dores recapture some of that early-season magic--where they never turned the ball over, coffin-cornered every critical punt and managed not to disturb the fairy dust sprinkled on their heads whilst taking off their helmets.

Maybe then, the November 22nd faceoff against Tennessee won't mean as much. But if Rich Brooks & Co. manage to maintain some of the momentum from the near-win against Georgia. If the black-and-gold get rickroll'd by our neighbors to the north. If all that comes to pass, then lock up the hens and break out the rubber bullets, cuz the Tennessee College Football Apocalypse is nigh!

Vandy fighting for bowl-eligibility! Tennessee fighting for...something that is not bowl eligibility! Pride, perhaps.

Honestly, the most interesting angle in this hypothetical is what a loss, or even better, a blowout, might mean for the Vols. Forget the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Vandy's near future. That's boring.

What if it's over by the halftime? What if the Wyoming "worst in a decade" loss was just a precursor for the ultimate humiliation for Big Brother: A de-pantsing in Nashville.

There's an argument in here somewhere in favor of that scenario if you're a Vols fan. Something about not being able to move forward until you've truly reached rock bottom. Or maybe that only applies for drunks. I'm not sure. Either way, let the madness begin.

Kerry Collins is not Trent Dilfer 2.0

So different yet so alike. And both, obviously, milk lovers.

Up until yesterday, it still might have been safe to assume that Kerry Collins was nothing more than Trent Dilfer 2.0. Remember Dilfer?

Back in 2000, while with the Baltimore Ravens, Dilfer, like Collins, was a backup. When the Ravens failed to score an offensive touchdown for four straight games, Dilfer was handed the keys. A veteran without a terribly strong arm, he personified the back-handed compliment given to QBs of his ilk: a game-manager. Despite that, and thanks to one of the best defenses of all time, Dilfer and the Ravens won the Super Bowl, beating Collins and the New York Giants.

Until yesterday's game against the Chicago Bears, Collins looked like Dilfer's spiritual heir: the stopgap made good in spite of his obvious limitations: advanced age and lack of mobility. In eight games, Collins had yet to throw for 200 yards. This was largely by design.

With arguably the league's best offensive line, two solid running backs and a coach who worships the ground game, thus far this year Collins had never been asked to do much more than not turn the ball over. But now this...

Please, Vols, Don't Hire Butch Davis

I lived in Cleveland when Butch Davis was coach of the Browns. "Disaster" would be a polite word to describe his reign.

He was out-coached on the field, a horrible judge of talent in the draft, and he had a penchant for scheming against the front office that made you think of Dick Cheney, only with better hair. When he "resigned," the real story leaked out: Butch's players hated him. He was a duplicitous leader who said one thing and did another, a sneaky man who'd lost all trust from his charges. Had he not left at midseason, he likely would have faced a player revolt.

A lot of good college coaches don't do well in the pros -- think Lou Holtz, Steve Spurrier, Bobby Petrino, even Nick Saban. Some are too autocratic to deal with grown men. And some just aren't skilled enough technically. What makes them good is recruiting, fundraising, navigating boosters and administrators, so they have an advantage before they ever take the field.

Davis is doing quite well at North Carolina, but you have to wonder how long it will last. Like all coaches, he has an ego the size of Germany. The difference is he also has a history of not playing well with others.

It's one thing to find quick success in the ACC. It's another doing it the SEC, where he'll face superior coaching and schools with better recruiting grounds. And when things go bad, Davis' history suggests they'll go very bad.

Sports Illustrated Gives Tennessee Titans Conveninent Excuse in Case of First Loss

Does the jinx still count if the team isn't mentioned?

The Sports Illustrated cover is the grandfather of all sports jinxes. Sure, Madden and Chunky's soup have claimed their fair share of victims in recent years. But the SI cover has been inducing night terrors for decades. And despite what they might tell you about not believing the hype, any fan worth his or her salt would just prefer their favorite team never grace SI's front pages. Ya know, just in case.

That's where this week's SI comes in. For the first time all season, the Titans are on the cover.

Well, technically, Albert Haynesworth is on the cover. And the article isn't really about the team or their undefeated record; it's about Haynesworth's transformation from face-stomper to potential MVP candidate. But he's wearing a Titans jersey! And, if you buy in to this kind of hokum, that's probably enough reason to believe that not only will the Titans lose to the Bears on Sunday, but Haynesworth will be lost for the season as well.

On account of his spontaneous combustion. Go Titans!

For further reading: Sports Illustrated did their own investigation into the curse back in 2002.

Darcy Hordichuk: The NHL's 7th Best Fighter for the Buck

Hordichuk in action against famed sociopath Chris Simon

Leave it to Forbes, king of financial lists, to come up with this rather weird assessment: Former Predator Darcy Hordichuk is the NHL's seventh best fighter per dollar

The rankings are based on fights won compared to salary. It's not exactly the most scientific survey, so we'll let Forbes explain:

To determine the best fighters for the buck, we compared player fighting stats since the start of the 2006-07 season to their pay last year. Since a game's momentum usually swings to the team whose player prevails in a fight, we awarded a bonus for each win and subtracted points for each loss, as determined by fan voting at hockeyfights.com, an online Mecca for pugilism at the rink.

Hordichuk, now with the Vancouver Canucks, finished 7th. Jordin Tootoo, hero to short people everywhere, finished 13th.

Why Vols Should Hire Mike Leach

This guy has got to be No. 1 on the Vols' list to replace the Great Pumpkin. OK, he's a little crazy. Shades of Kevin O'Neill! But at least we'd be entertained. Entertainment has been missing for the past 16 years. Mike Leach would cure that on day one. I don't think he'd have to look at the film to have a take on the game.

Check out this fabulous New York Times magazine article on Leach by Michael Lewis:

Phillip Fulmer Will Resign Today

Fulmer will walk away with a sweet $6 million.

So says Brent Hubbs at VolQuest.com. After a punishing defeat Saturday against South Carolina, it appears the end is near:

The decision ends a 16-plus year career for the dean of SEC coaches. A news conference inside Neyland Stadium will take place this afternoon at 5 p.m. Eastern, where Fulmer will "step aside."

The Manchester, Tenn., native and former Tennessee offensive linemen is due $6 million for the remaining term of a contract that was renewed for seven years in July. The money is to be paid in equal installments over 48 months.

Hubbs says Fulmer's departure was a done deal before the South Carolina game, but details are still sketchy. We're sure they'll be flushed out later in the day.

Sounds Sold; New Owners Try to Convince Nashville They're Not Carpetbaggers

Welcome (one of) your new Nashville Sounds overlord(s).

When you went off to college, you might have remembered the fellow coed whose parents bought them an off-campus house or apartment. These people obviously had a lot of money. They also had a pretty rock-solid rationale: Our son or daughter loves the town, real estate is (was?) a great investment, and we'd rather their rent line our pockets than some strangers.

Frank Ward, the man pictured above, is one of those people. Only instead of a house, Ward, along with two of his fellow New York real estate investors, decided to buy a baseball team.

Ward is one-third of MFP Real Estate, the new owners of the Nashville Sounds. According to press releases sent out by their PR group, the Sounds first came on to MFP's radar after Ward's daughter, now a junior, enrolled at Vanderbilt. Also, one of the other guys once sold hot dogs at Shea Stadium. So yeah, why not buy a baseball team?

Anyway, the Vandy connection is noteworthy because it's the kind of thing you'd want to harp on if you were a bunch of out-of-town investors who just bought the Sounds. When the relationship between Al Gordon and Metro Nashville soured, many fans used it as an opportunity to play up his carpetbagger status (Gordon's Amerisports is based in Chicago). The first order of business with any disgruntled fan base is to always reinforce that you're not like the other guy.

In that respect, MFP is off to a good start.

Smashing the Great Pumpkin Phil Fulmer

Not a single citizen of Vol Nation should still think we ought to keep Phil Fulmer. For all the reasons laid out in this story, the decision already should have been made.

Saturday's 29-9 loss to No. 2 Alabama in Neyland Stadium marked the third time this season the Vols have lost by double-digits to a major SEC foe.

UT lost to Florida 30-6 at home on Sept. 20 and at Georgia 26-14 on Oct. 11. Tennessee, 1-4 in the SEC, earned its conference win two weekends ago over Mississippi State, 34-3.

Overall, Tennessee is 1-5 in its last six games against Georgia, Florida and Alabama.

Perhaps most damaging is the margin of defeat in those games. Counting UT's win during that stretch, a 35-14 victory over Georgia last year, the average score in those games has been 33-17 in favor of UT's opponents, and those five losses have come by a combined margin on 185-66.

Since 2000, the Vols are 11-16 against Alabama, Georgia and Florida.

That's all you need to know. Fulmer must go. Surely, no one still thinks he can compete against Saban and Meyer and Richt.

So what's all this hand-wringing about? The state's sportswriters, having stuffed their faces with free stadium food for decades, have been running interference for their sugar daddy.

First, they claimed the buyout was too big. But what's $6 million spread over four years? That's no obstacle for an athletic department with an annual budget of more than $85 million. Keeping Fulmer would cost more in lost football ticket sales.

Now, the sportswriters/cheerleaders are saying Fulmer might still save his job by winning the rest of Tennessee's games. But victories over South Carolina, Wyoming, Kentucky and Vanderbilt shouldn't help him. The School for the Blind can beat those guys. To claim a successful season, Tennessee has to beat Florida, Georgia and Alabama. Fulmer has proven he can't do that anymore. End of story.

Chris Simms: Computer-Illiterate Heterosexual

Like your grandma, Simms also refers to it as "the internets."

For the average football fan, there are two known facts about Titans' third-string QB Chris Simms.

1) He's the son of former New York Giants quarterback and current CBS analyst Phil Simms

and

2) He once played with a ruptured spleen

For the average football fan who also reads sports blogs, however, there's one lesser known fact about Simms: He has another man's initials tattooed on his leg. Simms got the tat while playing at the University of Texas. His best friend and fellow teammate returned the favor, getting "CS" inked on his ankle. Then, naturally, they were both accused of being gay. Fortunately, thanks to Titans kicker Rob Bironas, we now have an official rebuttal from Simms and an extra bit of knowledge about our favorite clipboard-holder.

While reporting last week's cover story, Bironas interrupted our conversation to offer this gem:

Bironas: Despite what the media is saying, Chris Simms is not gay.

Simms laughed off the joke -- because that's what you do when the team's lowliest member rips on you -- and said that he ignores such speculation by avoiding sports media in general, a task made easier because he doesn't own a computer. That's right, he's a 28-year-old American male who's never used e-mail and doesn't live in a Montana compound. This team just keeps on giving.

We're No. 1: Finally, the Titans Get Respect

Only the boys in powder blue can save us from non-stop discussion concerning what Terrell Owens whined about this week.

They had to reach 7-0 to do it, but the Titans are finally getting some respect. In Yahoo's NFL power rankings this week, the Titans are No. 1.

This, my friends, is not just good for Tennessee, but good for the country. Maybe ESPN and the network pregame shows will finally stop talking about the Giants and what Terrell Owens whined about recently, and start talking about the manliest team in the land.

As Yahoo's Michael Silver writes: "Go ahead and start printing those cheesy 'AFC South Champions' T-shirts."

ESPN.com's Paul Kuharsky Pulls Back the Curtain on Press-Whore Mercury Morris

The Titans can make this happen. All they have to do is lose.

Here's a question: Who stands to benefit if the Tennessee Titans keep winning?

Bud Adams? Certainly.

Kerry Collins? Most definitely.

The entirety of Titans' Nation? But of course.

But as for who benefits the most, the answer might surprise you. Mercury Morris is a former running back for the Miami Dolphins. He served four years for cocaine trafficking in the mid-'80s, became a motivational speaker, then, in a tradition reserved for all faded athletes/symbols of virility, parlayed his minor-fame into a gig hawking hair plugs. Morris would be all but forgotten by now if it weren't for last year's New England Patriots....

Tennessee Boy David Price Saves the Day for the Rays

I cast thee OUT, demons! (Chris O'Meara, AP)

Last night, former Vanderbilt star turned Tampa Bay Ray David Price became the third-youngest player in baseball history to save a deciding Game Seven in the League Championship Series. Price retired one batter in the eighth, then finished off the Boston Red Sox in the final frame to secure a World Series trip for the Rays.

Obscure stats are usually meant to highlight an unworthy achievement. Not here. Simply put, most 23-year-olds aren't built to handle ninth-inning, post-season pressure. Especially considering Price's last foray into highly leveraged relief pitching.

Last year, as a junior, Price gave up the game-winning home run that eliminated the No. 1 ranked and highly favored Commodores from the NCAA tournament. Despite knowing full well that he was days away from becoming the top pick in the MLB draft, Price was so distraught about how his college career ended he left the locker room before talking to reporters.

Flash-forward 16 months. Price has not only redeemed himself, he's done so on the largest stage imaginable.

Baseball is fickle. A squib here, a seeing-eye single there, and Price could've been the goat rather than the Anointed One. So while his glorified status remains intact, let's raise a toast to Murfreesboro's Price, a hero in the eyes of Rays' fans and Masshole-haters everywhere. At least for today.

Nashville Predators: It Stays With You

Last month, the Nashville Predators released their 2008-09 marketing theme, created in partnership with marketing firm Gish, Sherwood & Friends: "It Stays With You." Well the only thing that has stayed with us is how lame that tagline is. First, if you say it after the team's name, it sounds strange. Shouldn't it be "They Stay With You"? I guess the "it" in question is the team's performance. Second, as Scene art director Rob Williams recently pointed out, the slogan sounds like a description of a bad Mexican meal.

In fairness, the Predators' new TV ad campaign has been pretty entertaining. Check out a "making of" video here.

Still, we think they could have done better with the tagline. If that was the best candidate, we've been amusing ourselves speculating what some of the rejected taglines might have been:

It Passes Through You
Not Going Anywhere at the Moment
Stuck in Nashville for Now
Because You Give a Puck
What Would Jordin Do?
Red Wings, Schmed Wings
It Keeps You Running
Like Curling, With Fewer Teeth
NASCAR on Ice
Tootoo Bad
More Teeth Than Cheatham County
Not the Sexual Kind
We Do It Without Boots
Nashville: The Bashkortostan of the South
Good Sections Still Available

That's our best so far. So, intrepid Pith readers, whaddya got?

Yahoo Pays Gushing Tribute to Cortland Finnegan

When you're losing, a sideline shouting match between teammatess is often viewed as a sign of dissension, a lack of discipline and unity, perhaps a warning shot over a coach's job security. But when you're winning? That's just passion, feistiness, a noble competitive streak.

So goes Yahoo's take on the recent Keith Bulluck-Cortland Finnegan dust-up. It's a rather nice story on the Titans' up-and-coming cornerback as seen through the eyes of his high school coach, who admits that Finnegan is something of a psych—but in a good way.

Could it be that the national media are finally paying attention to Nashville's masculine men in powder blue?

Vandy's Gameday Performance Leaves Something to be Desired

Last week, we asked Vanderbilt students to raise the bar. For the first time in school history, a Commodore's match-up was the featured game during ESPN's college football orgy Gameday.

Here was a chance for Dores' fans to separate themselves from the proverbial pack. To show the nation just how clever they really are.

Unfortunately, we forgot we're dealing with college kids, an age group determined to disguise whatever intelligence they may possess with a veil of sarcasm and gay jokes. To wit:

Sigh.

To be fair, there were a handful of scribbled missives that did meet our high expectations. "The Geeks Shall Inherit the Turf" was one of our favorites. And the "New Bailout Plan: Bet on the Dores" sign showed a surprising willingness to publicly acknowledge the outside world.

But some signs weren't clever or juvenile. They were just plain confusing.

After the jump, two that had us baffled...