Man B@#es Dog: Now That's a Story

If this turns you on, seek psychiatric help immediately.

There's a bad joke that's been making the rounds for years:

Q: What's meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?
A: The guy who gave it to him.

It seems the joke has come to life (hopefully minus the HIV).

Yes, it's true. A warrant has been issued by Davidson County's Metropolitan General Sessions Court for the arrest of Michael C. Anderson, who allegedly "did unlawfully engage in penile sex with a female pit bull dog."

And to Dr. James Dobson, we'd like to point out that at least it was a female pit bull.

h/t WKRN's Andy Cordan

U.S. Senate Candidate Hank Williams Jr. Loves Some Cadillac Pussy

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

I must confess that I was taken aback Monday when our No. 1 go-to source for political news, CMT, reported that Hank Williams Jr. intends to run for the U.S. Senate as a Republican in the next primary election. But the more I'm thinkin' about it, what Tennessee really needs is a senator who's down with some Cadillac pussy.

You heard me right. Hank Jr. joined renowned Nashville strip club aficionado Kid Rock on Kid's 2003 live album for a rousing version of "Cadillac Pussy," and Hank belted out the choruses with the same inimitable, pitch-perfect gusto he exhibited during this spine-tingling performance of "The McCain-Palin Tradition" at a Sarah Palin rally.

In case Kid and Hank's poignant duet was more than you could handle without getting choked up at work, here's the chorus that our prospective senator belts out so passionately.

She had some Cadillac pussy
Some Cadillac pussy
She had some Cadillac pussy
She had some Cadillac pussy
Man it would drive you wild

Sure, maybe The New York Times was right about our on'ry, ignernt, redneck ways. But I'm tired of fighting to keep my liberal, diversity-appreciating, woman-respecting ideals intact down here in Dixie. Hank II, you can count on my vote.

And those of you still clinging to your failed socialist ideology, don't you dare think of using this as some sort of Jeremiah Wright moment to scare those God-fearing, church-going masses in small-town Tennessee who might be offended by Hank's repeated use of the word "pussy" to refer to a woman's genitalia. Those kind of negative campaign tactics don't work around here, my friends.

"I'm Hank Williams Jr. and I approved this pus...um, I mean, message."

Nashville Area Pastor: Obama Not "in Line With God's Plan"

First, the good news: If Pastor Maury Davis is right, our elections are so tamper-proof even God can't rig them.

Now, the bad news: Obama is out of line with God's plan. In a Tennessean piece yesterday on local clergy reaction to Obama's victory, Davis—pastor at Madison, Tenn.'s ginormous Cornerstone Church (135,000 square feet of fire and brimstone!)—said this:

"I don't believe that a man who has Barack Obama's values is in line with God's plan."

This from a man who served eight-and-a-half years in a Texas prison for first-degree murder, presides over a church that had significant ties to an alleged Ponzi scheme that bilked investors out of $18 million, and heads up Maury Davis Ministries, where he peddles, among other things, his four-part series of sermons titled Hard Questions—Real Answers. Islam…The Evil Religion.

And he thinks Obama isn't in line with God's plan?

Hello pot? This is kettle. You're...oh, never mind.

Rednecks for Obama—Take That, New York Times!

Just when the Times had me dejected about my Southern comrades, I came across this photo, forwarded to me in an email making the rounds.

A ray of sunshine in this dark night of the soul.

Murfreesboro Post Editor Apologizes for "Ode to President Obama"

After the uproar caused by columnist Stephen Lewis' "Ode to President Obama" in yesterday's Murfreesboro Post, publisher/editor Michael L. Pirtle offered this apology. Pirtle's response is a classic example of the "sorry you were offended, but not sorry we said it" defense. Consider this sentence: "We sincerely regret that Mr. Lewis’ attempt at humor crossed the line from funny to offensive for many readers."

Furthermore, in the "I'm sorry...but" category: "While not abdicating responsibility for its publication, the Post notes a columnist’s opinion should not be interpreted as representing the opinions or beliefs of the newspaper, its staff, advertisers or the community."

But most amusing was this parry:

In no way attempting to justify or mitigate the situation but to provide some perspective, I would note that Mr. Lewis writes a weekly humor column in which he constantly pushes the envelope with large amounts of sarcasm and hyperbole.

Humor can be a dangerous thing as the line between funny and offensive can be a moving target as was certainly the case in this presidential campaign. In Sunday’s column Mr. Lewis pushed past that line, but only, I honestly and fully believe, in the pursuit of humor.

Mr. Lewis writes a weekly humor column? That guy's funny? I don't even think the guy is a racist so much as a bonehead with poor writing skills, a lame sense of humor and extremely poor judgment.

It's like the classic Seinfeld episode wherein Jerry's dentist, Dr. Whatley, converts to Judaism and starts telling off-color Jewish jokes. Miffed, Jerry confesses his frustration to a priest: "I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes."

"And this offends you as a Jewish person?" the priest asks.

To which Jerry responds, "No, it offends me as a comedian."

If nothing else, I'm sure the newspaper's website got more hits today than ever before. That's one way to drive web traffic.

And it could be worse. At least the Murfreesboro Post isn't the Sapulpa, Okla., Daily Herald.

h/t: Pith reader Lance

Bonehead 'Boro Columnist's "Ode to President Obama" Takes Ignorant Redneck Shtick to the Max

If I didn't see the direct link myself, I would have sworn this was a parody from The Onion. But no, Murfreesboro Post columnist Stephen Lewis offered this jaw-dropping "Ode to President Obama" yesterday, giving the national media one more good reason to laugh at Middle Tennessee.

With no further ado (because I'm still gasping for air), Stephen Lewis' "Ode to President Obama," sung to the tune of The Jeffersons theme song:

“Well we’re movin’ on up,
To Washington, D.C.
To a deee-luxe pimp pad,
Painted whiiiite.
Yeah we’re movin’ on up,
To the White House.
I’ll be jetting with P. Diddy cross the sky.

McCain can’t score on the east coast,
Palin was just a cute, cheap thrill.
Took a whole lot of campaign promises,
To take over Capitol Hill.
Now we’re livin’ in the White House
Chewin’ on the government fat.
As long as we here
It’s tax, tax, tax!
Ripping off the rich fat cats!

Well we’re movin’ on up
To the big time.
To a dee-luxe sweet crib
That’s just too fly.
Moooovin’ on up
To D.C.
I finally showed McCain I’m the guy!”

Oh, and in the same column, he offered this gem:

What about this fellow who ran for state representative, Dr. Rishi Saxena? I’m not sure where he’s from but I’m pretty sure it’s not Rutherford County. From what I read about him he has some very good ideas. My advice to him would be to work on perfecting his southern accent. I’m not talking about southern Bangladesh either. And if he can’t sound southern, he could at least throw in a few y’alls and a couple fixin’ to’s every once in a while.

Thanks, Stephen, for setting Middle Tennessee's reputation back about 50 years!

This Just In: Al Gore, Nashville's Favorite Son, Is Concerned About Global Warming

Who knew?

But seriously, the electricity-gobbling, carbon-offsetting, Nobel-sporting former veep and activist has taken the election of Barack Obama as a signpost that the U.S. may finally be ready to take global warming seriously. Or so he says in an op-ed piece
in yesterday's New York Times. (Note: If, like me, you can't read a Gore op-ed without hearing it in that soporific, professorial voice of his, do yourself a favor and try to imagine hearing it in the funny movie trailer voice.)

As much as I'm optimistic about Barack Obama's presidency and his commitment to alternative energy, Gore offered this sobering thought:

Thirty-five years ago this past week, President Richard Nixon created Project Independence, which set a national goal that, within seven years, the United States would develop “the potential to meet our own energy needs without depending on any foreign energy sources.” His statement came three weeks after the Arab oil embargo had sent prices skyrocketing and woke America to the dangers of dependence on foreign oil. And—not coincidentally—it came only three years after United States domestic oil production had peaked.

At the time, the United States imported less than a third of its oil from foreign countries. Yet today, after all six of the presidents succeeding Nixon repeated some version of his goal, our dependence has doubled from one-third to nearly two-thirds—and many feel that global oil production is at or near its peak.

Tennessee Presidential Results: Is Black Plus Liberal a Deadly Combination?

As I did research for yesterday's post proposing two Tennessees, I noticed one lone blue outpost in the East Tennessee portion—Jackson County. Out of five blue counties in the state, Memphis and the surrounding area accounted for three, Nashville's Davidson made four, and little Jackson County (pop. 10,984) on the Cumberland Plateau made five.

Billy Smith, manager of Congressman Bart Gordon's Cookeville office and a Gordon field rep for 20-plus years, was born in Jackson County, which is just north of Cookeville's Putnam County. “It's been Democratic as long as I can remember,” Smith says. “They're a highly independent people. They do their own thinking. They don't ask anyone else how to vote. Historically, Jackson County is one of biggest Democratic strongholds in Tennessee.”

But what's really curious, as Smith went on to point out, is that several surrounding and nearby counties—Clay, Overton, Smith and Trousdale—are also traditionally Democratic. Yet all four went strongly for McCain.

A comparison of 2004 and 2008 results was jaw-dropping. Here are the Democratic vote tallies for these counties, in percentage points, for the 2004 (Kerry/Bush) and 2008 (Obama/McCain) elections:

Clay: Kerry 50, Obama 42
Overton: Kerry 53, Obama 42
Smith: Kerry 52, Obama 39 (!)
Trousdale: Kerry 58, Obama 46

When you consider the fact that nationwide, Obama was a significantly more popular candidate than Kerry, those figures are even more eyebrow-raising. And Gore had anywhere from 6 to 15 percent more votes than Kerry, which is even more confounding. Granted, Tennessee was Gore's home state, but still he averaged roughly 20 percentage points higher than Obama throughout this region—even in Jackson County, where Obama won with 50 percent, Kerry had 60, and Gore 70.

So was race a major factor, as the numbers would seem to indicate?

Let's Split Tennessee Into Two States! Quick, While the Dems Rule the Nation!

I, Jack Silverman, on this, the sixth day of November, in the year of our Lord (well, somebody's Lord anyway), 2008 do hereby decree: From this day forth, there shall be two Tennessees, West and East, which shall serve to allow their respective populations to revel in their political beliefs in a more cohesive and representative fashion.

OK, I admit that this whole two-Tennessee proposal came about because I'm trying to get my diehard Democrat relatives off my back. In the last 24 hours, both of my parents (Cleveland, Ohio) and one cousin (Los Angeles) have called to deride me for living in this backwater state, where McCain trounced Obama. I explained that Davidson County went 60 percent for Obama, and claimed that, furthermore, all of West Tennessee likely went for Obama. But frankly, I had no clue if I was right.

So I decided to crunch the numbers and figure it out. Using this Tennessee election-result map (thanks CNN!), I decided to split Tennessee into two states to see how we fared. My version of West Tennessee (see the map above) uses as its dividing line the eastern borders of the following counties: Robertson, Davidson, Williamson, Maury and Giles.

And you know what? I was right! West Tennessee is blue! The breakdown, after the jump....

A Few Words From Alaska's Miss Congeniality 1984, Sarah Palin

If a picture's worth a thousand words, then a picture with words has to be worth...what...like 5,000 words?

(Pardon our indulgence, but it's kind of like 20 minutes before closing time at the carnival, and we've got to use up all of our tickets as fast as we can before it's over.)

h/t: Carrie Duke

Todd Palin, Minority Poster Boy

We (hopefully) won't have Sarah Palin to kick around much longer, so this bit of spontaneous WTF was too ripe to pass up.

Typically, the whole CNN "I Reporter" shtick can be a little pathetic. You know the drill: Some schmuck with a video camera videotapes either a news-related event or, even more pathetic, him- or herself spouting off ridiculously uninformed "everyman" opinions about the pertinent issues of the day.

But hand it to I Reporter Brad Bailey, who caught VP candidate Palin at a campaign event, perhaps after a quick hit of crack in the Straight Talk Express potty. Bailey, who is black, asks Palin how to get minorities more involved in the political process. Palin responds, "We've got to be all about the equality. Our constitution preaches...Todd is Alaskan and if you go up to Alaska, we have a problem with him being a minority up there. We live it."

We live it. Well, if you want to get technical, Todd is one-eighth Yu'pik Eskimo and one quarter Curyung. Still, to suggest that Todd—who looks like the bastard child of Tim McGraw and David Hasselhoff—understands the indignities and discrimination suffered by minorities in America, seems like a stretch. Then again, so does everything about Palin's VP candidacy. Tick, tick, tick...

McCain and Palin! Live at the Blue Note!

OK, their policy proposals may be whacked and their campaign may be floundering (or maybe not), but, wow, can John McCain and Sarah Palin carry a tune! And we're not talking "Three Blind Mice" here—we're talking Ella- and Satchmo-worthy off-the-cuff scatting. Considering how they've clearly been improvising on the campaign trail, I guess their vocal improvisation abilities shouldn't be all that surprising.

Man, John and Sarah, y'all are some real gone cats. Swing daddy (and hockey mommy), swing!

And check out this dynamic collaboration between Palin and Katie Couric, giving Monk and Coltrane a run for their money.

h/t: NYC jazz pianist Henry Hey, for turning lemons into lemonade.

Obama Campaign Reaches Out to Small-Town America (and Aging Greasers)

Finally, the Obama message gets through to small-town America, the real America, the pro-America America.

Are you listening, Pulaski?

h/t: Funny or Die

New Tennessee State Motto: "Just for the hack of it!"

Murfreesboro resident Josh Holly (using the alias TrainReq) bragging to a Phoenix radio station about hacking Miley Cyrus' email account

So I'm strolling the information superhighway this morning, looking to pilfer some sad-sack reporter's many hours of work so I can spend 20 minutes turning it into a couple of paragraphs of pithy commentary, and what should catch my eye but this tiny nugget from NewsChannel 5. Murfreesboro resident Josh Holly claims to have hacked Miley Cyrus' email account and stolen private photos, and he's been bragging about it online for months now (under an alias, natch).

Apparently his claims have some merit. Holly told Wired magazine blog Threat Level that the FBI raided his Murfreesboro home Monday morning, seizing three computers and Holly's phone. All of this in the wake of the arrest of University of Tennessee student David Kernell last month in connection with the hacking of Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account.

So it got me to thinking: With the last two notorious celebrity email hacks coming from the Volunteer State, maybe we should use our computer-savvy spirit to reinvent our state image. No longer would we have to be pigeonholed as redneck ignoramuses. I figured maybe it was time to propose a new state motto: "Just for the hack of it."

Then I realized I didn't even know Tennessee's current state motto.

Pat Boone, Everyone's Favorite Gay-Bashing, Darwin-Denying Crooner, Today at Ernest Tubb Record Shop!

Homophobe Pat Boone: Methinks He Doth Protest Too Much

Ah, what glorious times these are. Sure, our economy is imploding. Still, back in 2004, I didn't have the slightest inkling that—just four short years later—the divisive, homophobic, warmongering, Darwin-denying Neanderthals of the extreme right would be cowering with their tails between their legs, and that the majority of Americans would be ignoring their commie-fearing, Obama-smearing screams that the sky is falling.

So what better time to pay tribute, in person, to one of the far right's poster boys, Pat Boone, who will be signing his new CD The True Spirit of Christmas at Ernest Tubb Record Shop down on Lower Broad?

Though Boone's album of heavy metal covers, In a Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy, had us tipping our hats to his lighthearted attempt at self-parody just a decade ago, his increasingly hate-filled, anti-evolution, homophobic, paranoid rants of the last couple of years have decimated any goodwill we had toward him.

In the last few weeks alone, he's decried the moral decay of our great republic (including the line, "...they increasingly decree that grade-school children, even pre-schoolers, be indoctrinated with an appreciation for homosexuality"); defended Sarah Palin as a helpless victim (and referred to Democrats as "the liberal, sophisticated victims of the Obama virus spreading across the country"); and asked, "Are we ready for a gay America?"

And that's not mentioning his antics in last year's Kentucky gubernatorial election. Boone recorded a robo-call message bashing Democratic candidate Steve Beshear, saying that Beshear would work for "every homosexual cause," and asking, "Now do you want a governor who'd like Kentucky to be another San Francisco?" (Kentucky should only be so lucky.) You can read about and hear the robo-call, which was sent out across the state, here.

So hurry on over to Ernest Tubb Record Shop now and show him some good ol' socialist-promoting, America-hating man love! That's 2-4 p.m. today, at 417 Broadway.

Scene Exposé: Obama's Nashville Link to Acorn

Sen. Barack Obama leaving Acorn several months ago

An unnamed source close to Barack Obama's campaign has confirmed the presidential candidate has close personal ties to Acorn, and in fact has dined at the 28th Avenue eatery on several occasions during visits to Nashville.

According to the source, Obama's ties to Acorn began during his days as a community gourmandizer in Chicago, where he frequented many of the tonier establishments along that city's Magnificent Mile.

In fact, in an interview last month on the Scene's food blog, Bites, Acorn chef Andy Hunter hints at the restaurant's link to the Obama campaign. Despite Hunter's best efforts, he barely conceals his liberal agenda, making several references to pork, promoting an author from France (!), noting that "simplicity is elegant" (a clear defense of Obama's elitism) and discussing Fat Mo (as in the big momentum Obama is carrying into the election).

At a recent visit, Obama exhibited his penchant for liberal spending. For appetizers, the candidate had the acorn squash (during which he made a joke about "squashing the McCain campaign") and the Korean barbecue beef wraps (a clear attempt to appease Kim Jong-il), followed by the Acorn Caesar. (Et tu, Barack?) For his entrée, Obama ordered the grilled filet of beef. (Here in America we call it "steak," Senator.) According to the server, when asked how he'd like his beef cooked, he responded, "I'll have my meal without any preconditions."

Ironically, the last time Obama ate at Acorn, John McCain was eating what campaign aides say was "a man-sized Porterhouse" just a few blocks away at Jimmy Kelly's Steakhouse. When the Scene showed the Arizona senator Acorn's imaginative menu, he remarked, "It's radical food for a radical candidate who hangs out with ’60s radicals."

Bill Frist's Pre-Halloween Tour

As if John McCain's facial expressions at last night's debate (see above) weren't creepy enough, your local Republican Party is up to some spooktastic Halloween antics of their own, as we were graciously informed by an email from the partisan ghostbusters at the Tennessee Democratic Party. The subject line: Frist Pre-Halloween Tour Kicks Into Full Gear.

Two weeks before Halloween, former Senate majority leader and apparent gubernatorial candidate Bill Frist is barnstorming across Tennessee for a cadre of creepy GOP candidates plagued by a laundry list of political problems.

“Bill Frist’s gubernatorial campaign is off to a rocky start as he rallies behind a motley crew of folks who frankly don’t live up to their ‘credentialed conservative’ claims,” said Tennessee Democratic Party Chairman Gray Sasser. “They’re scary, to say the least, and make Frist’s buddies in Washington look downright honorable.”

Finally, the press release concludes:

“Dolores Gresham, A.J. McCall and Mike Faulk together in the state legislature is a frightening thought,” Sasser said. “Of course, it’s no surprise to see Frist putting politics over good judgment. At the rate he’s going, he won’t even have to say ‘boo’ to scare voters come Halloween 2010.”

If nothing else, flacks with a sense of humor can at least make the drudgery of going through your inbox a tad more bearable. Read the entire release here.

Nashville Predators: It Stays With You

Last month, the Nashville Predators released their 2008-09 marketing theme, created in partnership with marketing firm Gish, Sherwood & Friends: "It Stays With You." Well the only thing that has stayed with us is how lame that tagline is. First, if you say it after the team's name, it sounds strange. Shouldn't it be "They Stay With You"? I guess the "it" in question is the team's performance. Second, as Scene art director Rob Williams recently pointed out, the slogan sounds like a description of a bad Mexican meal.

In fairness, the Predators' new TV ad campaign has been pretty entertaining. Check out a "making of" video here.

Still, we think they could have done better with the tagline. If that was the best candidate, we've been amusing ourselves speculating what some of the rejected taglines might have been:

It Passes Through You
Not Going Anywhere at the Moment
Stuck in Nashville for Now
Because You Give a Puck
What Would Jordin Do?
Red Wings, Schmed Wings
It Keeps You Running
Like Curling, With Fewer Teeth
NASCAR on Ice
Tootoo Bad
More Teeth Than Cheatham County
Not the Sexual Kind
We Do It Without Boots
Nashville: The Bashkortostan of the South
Good Sections Still Available

That's our best so far. So, intrepid Pith readers, whaddya got?

Belmont Steaks: Red State Update Takes on Nashville Presidential Debate

The Red State Update boys finally have their debate coverage online. Among the highlights:

• Jackie Broyles asking some folks promoting the film Kilowatt Ours, "Is this some o' that Al Gore shit?"

• Dunlap elevating the debate with the line, "This man hates Sarah Palin so much he won't even look at her boobies."

• Dunlap hitting on a couple of UT coeds in line at the Circle K.

Part 2 is below. At about 3:20, check out an interview with everyone's favorite partisan nonpartisan, Bredesen nemesis Drew Johnson of the Tennessee Center for Policy Research.

(Speaking of which, I've just coined a new political joke: How do you tell if an organization is partisan? They identify themselves as nonpartisan. Feel free to steal it if you like. But remember you heard it first on Pith.)

Kenyans Get Lesson in American Stupidity at Nashville Debates

Kenya's NTV shot this video at the Nashville presidential debate block party.

In any presidential campaign, there are certainly morons on both sides of the political divide. But this year in particular, it seems one party has really cornered the market on imbecility, as last Friday's McCain rally, featuring the jaw-dropping "[Obama's] an Arab" comment, highlighted.

Well here's further proof. Pay close attention starting at 1:58 into the video. The reporter talks to three people wearing NObama for President T-shirts. (NObama has a diagonal line through the "O".) The back of the shirt promotes nobamaforpresident.com, a virulently anti-Obama website. Here's what the trio's designated spokesnut has to say.

We started this website to inform young and undecided voters. It's a wonderful page. We've got factual informations [?!] on both candidates. It's not a biased website or anything like that.

NObama T-shirt: $15

"Clean Coal" hat: $10

"Not a biased website": Priceless!

Check out just how unbiased the site is here.

Meanwhile, this McCain mouthpiece's use of the term "informations" reminds us of another famous Republican's fondness for inappropriate pluralization.

And a message from Pith to Kenya, Barack Obama's ancestral homeland: Please don't judge Nashville too harshly. Besides, we're guessing the NObama people are from Williamson County.