Second Amendment Man Neutralizes the Olive Garden Threat
| You shouldn't pull out wallets in places where people have guns. That's just common sense. |
I have assumed a strategic post at the Olive Garden, which serves authentic Italian cuisine just like mama used to make. Only better, since it's conveniently located near most major shopping malls, airports, and suburban freeway exits. But you may also be aware that Italy means gangster in Italian. It is here they plot their wickedness and mayhem.
Between inconspicuous bites of Five Cheese Ziti al Forno, I conduct surveillance on the elderly man seated three tables over. To you, he is simply a doting grandfather surrounded by his children and grandchildren. I know better. He's speaking in foreigner -- or at least an accented English that has no place in these parts. I can't quite make out the words; I have a wax problem with my ears. But one thing is clear: He's discussing a takeover of the Cumberland docks.
The waitress arrives with the check. The man stands and reaches for his back pocket, pulling out an object dark, bold, menacing. Go time! I pounce from my table with the agility of a leopard, loosening five rounds of cold steel into his concaved chest. The Olive Garden is awash in screams and blood. I move closer to deliver the coup de grace.
What? What's that in his hand? A wallet? What's a gangster doing with a wallet?
People are looking at me weird. I attempt to mumble an explanation. "Hey, I thought it was a gun. Gimme a break." But they're paying more attention to the elderly man, who's obviously fishing for attention. What a baby. It's not like I shot him in the face.
I slink from the room as sirens wail in the distance. Back in my mom's basement, I conduct an autopsy of the evening's minor misjudgments. I am Second Amendment Man, and this is all Margie's fault.



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