Nashville News Blog

Agent Curry Todd's master plot: To make you watch movies where they sing in foreign languages.

Rep. Curry Todd, the man behind the guns-in-bars bill, is pushing his terrorist agenda of deceit and duplicity, thus making the winner of this week's Kook Power Rankings:

1. Rep. Curry Todd: As Grandma Pith likes to say, "Never trust a man named after Indian food." India has foreigners. And terrorists. Obvious conclusion: Curry Todd is an terrorist agent who's covertly attempting to destabilize the Volunteer State. How is he doing this? By pushing to override the governor's veto of his guns-in-bars bill, which will thin our population via drunken homicide, thus paving the way for a Sikh invasion. If Todd has his way, we'll soon be  watching movies where everybody's dancing and singing instead of swearing and fornicating, a direct attack on the very fabric of America. He's armed and inbred. Don't let him near your children. Or your liquor cabinet.

2. Ex-Teacher Pamela Rodgers: Back in 2005, the former McMinnville gym teacher got a sweet deal after being caught having sex with a 13-year-old student: Six months in jail, then the rest of her 8-year sentence on probation. But upon release, she quickly violated the terms by sending barenaked pictures of herself to the boy. This was not only frowned upon by the court, but also violated the 7th Criminal Commandment -- "Thou Shalt Not Disseminate Incriminating Evidence By Email." So the judge lit her up, sentencing her to a full 10 years in the slam. Now Rodgers is petitioning for a new parole hearing. But the smart money says she should remain in the joint, if only because she's too stupid to make a respectable sexual predator. 

3. National Organization for Marriage: The group, headquartered in the fictional town of Stepford, claims that allowing homos to marry steals rights away from straight people. But since we breeders were already knocking down a 50 percent divorce rate before the homos showed up, Pith doesn't quite understand the complexities of this argument. (Forgive us; we went to public school.) Yet if the group could get behind a real issue -- like the inalienable right of the husband to control the channel surfer -- consider us totally on board.

4. Tennessee Center for Policy Research: In its annual pork report, the rightist think tank decried government funding of the Nashville Film Festival, since one of the movies contained something vaguely resembling porn. Pith isn't smart enough to know what constitutes art. But we'd much rather watch porn than people speaking in subtitles. When's the last time you saw that in real life? It's not very believable.

5. Congressman Zach Wamp: The man who makes George W. Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar desperately wants to be governor. So he's denouncing the federal government to appeal to the GOP's Goober Faction. One problem: As a congressman, Wamp is the federal government. We're not sure about you, but telling yourself to leave Tennessee alone doesn't seem a compelling campaign strategy. Are we missing something here?