Nashville News Blog

Frank Niceley: When reason escapes you, just make stuff up!

In case you were having trouble scoring at home, the Mighty Pith encapsulates this week's weirdness with our inaugural Kook Power Rankings, designed to let you know who's left the planet on the public dime:

1. Rep. Frank Niceley: He needed to find a way to explain the toxic TVA spill in a conservative-appropriate way. So naturally, he just made stuff up, claiming it was caused by an earthquake! And while he may be a little short on evidence, worry not. Despite water readings indicating arsenic levels at 150 times what's safe for human consumption, Niceley concluded that arsenic isn't really bad for you! So just go stick your face in a vat of it, children! It's the ultimate teeth whitener!

2. Sen. Jim Tracy: Nothing says bravery like siding with nursing homes in a fight with abused grandmas. Tracy wants to cap non-monetary damages in nursing home abuse suits to $300,000--and then pump a cut of the award back to the industry. High level sources say he also rooted for the Nazis while watching Schindler's List.

3. Senator Paul Stanley: He got meaner than a Vietnamese brothel owner with his bill to ban cities and counties from enacting living wage laws. It seems the good senator from Germantown is unhappy that Memphis requires contractors to pay the princely sum of $10 an hour. Not surprisingly, that black-hearted body known as the Tennessee Senate went along, passing his bill by an 18-13 vote. Leona Helmsley rolled over in her grave with joy.

4. Senator Diane Black: Introduces resolution to ban abortions, with no exceptions for the health of the mother or for cases of rape and incest. In related news, Lucifer appoints her the health czar of Hell, pending her inevitable arrival.

Brian Kelsey: If you invite him for dinner, hide the good silverware

5. Rep. Brian Kelsey: Voted by his high school class as Most Likely to Torture Household Pets, Kelsey was at it again this week, denouncing the governor for accepting unemployment stimulus money. Until Tennesseans start dying of starvation in the streets, Kelsey will believe the state is far too generous with its benefits.

6. Rep. Gary Odom: Releases House Democratic "action agenda" loaded with platitudes that indicate his party is in favor of orphans, kindly grandmas, and decent spaghetti sauce, but provides no details about what Democrats actually hope to accomplish on, like, their job.

7. Rep. Stacey Campfield: You know it's a bad week when Campfield can only muster a 7th place in the standings. But the legislature's reigning kook was knocked down for a  mild-mannered week in which he only wanted to preclude teachers from discussing homosexuality in public schools. After all, if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.

Update: The unofficial state Republican website registers a complaint.