Nashville News Blog

"Whoa, pal, where do you think you're going?"

"Jeepers, St. Peter, it's me! Stacey Campfield, rock-ribbed conservative! I'm here to take my rightful place in Heaven at the hand of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ!"

"Not so fast, Skippy. The boss says you're a no-go."

"Surely there's been a mistake, St. Peter! I'm Stacey Campfield, defender of traditional family values and crusader for righteousness!"

"I don't know how to break this to you, Scooter, but after that whole thing about death certificates for abortions and the stillborn babies bill, the boss thinks you're kind of a dick. And don't even get me started on that slumlord stuff..."

"But Stacey Campfield was just doing the Lord's work!"

"Maybe you don't remember, pal, but the boss is the kinda guy who washes hookers'  feet, okay? That means he's probably not into bagging on pregnant ladies. I mean, what the fuck?"

"You swore, St. Peter! Stacey Campfield is going to tell the Republican caucus leader! You're in big trouble!"

"Believe it or not, Chipper, God swears all the time. You should see him when the Predators lose. Jordin Tootoo's one of his favorite children."

"Stacey Campfield's never been treated like this in his whole life! I demand to see your supervisor! I must take my place at the right hand of God immediately! Surely he pines for my sage counsel!"

"Okay, Bif, I'll get St. Christopher. He's the shift supervisor on duty today. Chris?"

"What seems to be the problem here, Petey?"

"This is Stacey Campfield, that guy who's always flagged in the morning briefings."

"Ah, so you're that little peckerwood, huh? Cute little feller, aren't you?"

"Stacey Campfield demands to see our lord and savior, Jesus Christ! I'm sure he has a special mission planned for me! And when I'm in finally in charge around here, you two will be cleaning urinals! Or perhaps raw sewage from my rental properties!"

"Oooo, settle down there, little man. Why don't you just go with these nice men here. They'll put you on the elevator over there and send you to the basement. That's where you'll see a guy named Mephistopheles. He should be able to straighten everything out."

"This is an outrage! I'm Stacey Campfield, dutiful soldier of Christ! If you guys don't let me go right now I'm going to..."