A River Runs Through Us
The Great Cumberland Swimathon was an unmitigated disaster. The water damaged our lungs and skin while giant, smelly catfish gnawed on our bellies. Or was that just the prick of the floating syringes?. None of us could tell, and it didn't matter. We were living a nightmare and, worst of all, it was of our own design. On a mild Thursday at 5:30 p.m., we volunteered to swim across the Cumberland River from a downtown dock to a rocky beach on the East Bank in the shadow of the Titans stadium, even though we were warned that we were scripting a real-life horror show. And yet we proceeded onward, oblivious to what lay ahead.
Even before we could finish, many of the swimmers developed violent hacking coughs, while one older man, who had toiled honorably for years in the Metro Water Department, couldn't handle the current and was swept down the Cumberland toward Bells Bends as he cried out to the heavens. As of press time, Metro Police helicopters were scouring the river banks for the body.
Well, that's what Charlie Tygard thought would happen, anyway. The aging Metro Council member at-large, who, at this point in his political career serves the role of the overprotective and slightly paranoid grandfather, lambasted the downtown swimathon and characterized it as a thinly veiled publicity stunt fraught with danger. Um, whatever.
In fact, council members Emily Evans and Mike Jameson, along with a slew of city officials, deserve a ton of credit for organizing such a fun civic event. A smiling and sharp-looking Mayor Dean, seemingly buoyed at the sight of a hundred swimmers enjoying a dip in the river, started the race, and my bet is he'll be in the water next year. As for the rest of us, we managed our journey easily enough. Adrenalin alone will get you about halfway there, while an elementary swim stroke will take you to the finish.
Now to answer the question everyone has: How was the water? It felt fine to me; the temperature was about what you'd want for a bath. It seemed clean too, even when I regrettably swallowed a gulp of it after a nearby emergency boat sent a sudden wake in our direction. And the water didn't smell, burn my lungs or cause me to break out in a rash. I didn't see any catfish either.
Charlie, you should think about coming for a swim next year. The water is just fine. If you need directions downtown, shoot me an email.
Comments
I suspect Metro Parks had nothing with issuing a permit for this stunt. However, they did issue a permit to Americans For Prosperity for a rally at the Warner Parks where AFP proposed to launch a hot-air balloon to float near or over Al Gore's house. Metro Parks nixed the balloon launch part before finally cancelling the entire permit according to AFP:
http://www.americansforprosperity.org/index.php?id=5916
Posted 06/20/2008 at 02:57:07 PMMatt,
Thanks so much for braving the waters for a good cause. We look forward to seeing you out there next year so get your own life vest, ok? We presume Garrigan (both of 'em) will still be scared of getting their hair wet.
-ee
Posted 06/20/2008 at 03:40:35 PM