New Jersey Sucks Donkey Balls
I am in the middle of my second trip to New Jersey in as many months. It will (hopefully) be my last one for a long time. It sucks. I mean--it really sucks. People can talk all they want about the alleged superiority of "blue states," but here are just a few reasons why Tennessee is a hell of a better place to live than the Garden State:
1. In Tennessee, we are smart enough to pump our own gasoline. In New Jersey, they're not. Self-service is illegal. That's right. In New Jersey, a gas station attendant has to pump your gas for you. If you do it you get fined. I am not making this up. So you have to wait until someone comes out to pump gas for you instead of doing it yourself. I haven't found anyone yet who could give me the rationale for this law. The best I've heard is that it prevents people from pumping gas and driving off without paying. I'm not sure that that makes up for the inconvenience, and besides, in Tennessee we just arm store clerks who just shoot the crooks through ther back windshields. It works pretty well I think.
2. We have left turn lanes in Tennessee. Let's suppose you're traveling down a major thoroughfare in Northern New Jersey and you're feeling a little hungry. So you start looking around and up ahead you see a (fill in the blank) restaurant. Mmmmm, that'll hit the spot.
Problem: It's on the left. Well, buddy, you're screwed. Because if you are going down, say, Route 22 or Route 1, you won't be able to turn left to get to it. Why? Well, because there's a concrete barrier down the middle of the road where (in more civilized places) one should find a handy-dandy left turn lane. What you have to do is go to the next major intersection (which could be anywhere from half a mile to three miles up ahead) and veer off to the right to make a "jug handle" turn, which takes you back perpendicularly across the road you were just on (after stopping at one or possibly two lights) and then turns you around so that you can go back to the place you just were. By this time, you've forgotten why you turning in the first place, but you are sure that it's not going to be worth it. You have to do the same thing, incidentally, if just want to make a basic left turn onto a crossing road.
3. We don't have ornery toll road toll takers in Tennessee. We also don't have toll roads, but you know what? If we did, our toll takers would at least have a little decency about them. They wouldn't do what this one guy did to me yesterday at a booth that charged 75 cents. I pull up to the window and hold out a dollar bill to the guy, whom I'll call Joe, and who's got about a foot up on me from his perch. He sticks out his hand and I put the dollar in his. He just stares at me--his hand out and mine in it for what seem like hours. Finally, Joe rolls his eyes and says "I'm giving you a quarter dumbass." (OK, the "dumbass" I added, but it was definitely implied.) He follows this with a shake of the head and a barely audible grunt.
Turns out Joe's got him a little system. He's at a 75 cent tollbooth, right? Well, most people give him dollar bills instead of three quarters, so what he does is hold out his hand for the dollar with a quarter already in it. Probably unbeknownst to his peers, Joe is master of toll booth efficiency. Honestly, if the Soviets had Joe on their side back in the '80s, they'd still be around today.
It's fine for Joe, and I suppose it's fine for the 95% of drivers who go through his booth and know his super double secret method of toll collecting. In what I am sure is one smooth motion , they drop the dollar in his hand, take away their quarter, and drive off. For people like me though, who know this procedure and who--because we are in cars and he is up in a booth--can't see his hand, it doesn't work out to well. We need a little extra information like "here's your change" or "here's a quarter back". Also, acknowledging receipt of the dollar bill rather than just staring into space would be a good start.
4. In Tennessee we are smart enough to know that gas leaks are a higher priority than garbage bags. I have been New Jersey to close out an estate of a family member who died leaving a house, As the only living heirs, it has been up to us to fix up the house, clean it and prepare it for sale. The house was in pretty bad condition, so it's been a chore. For a few days last month we did just that, filling up garbage bag after garbage bag and putting them out on the driveway for pickup. We ended up with, I guess, over 50 Hefty bags filled with trash and unwanted junk and putting them out there ready for the trash folks. When we were done, we left the keys to the house in the hands of a neighbor who would be there in our stead the next day when the safety inspector would arrive.
Yup, the city inspector. In New Jersey, you see, there's a government agency for everything. Really, you could be on a street corner furtively scratching yourself and someone from the local township's Commission on Furtive Personal Scratching would roll up to give you a citation. Or, he might give you a pamphlet on Better Ways to Hygiene, published by the Health and Wellness Department of Union County.
This particular city inspector was charged with checking out whether everything was up to code before we could sell the house. As the inspector walked around, he smelled gas. And, indeed, there turned out to be a pretty bad gas leak. The neighbor dutifully turned off the gas so no one would blow up. Moments later, the inspector said that he couldn't issue a passage certificate for the house.
"Because of the gas leak I guess, right?" asked the neighbor.
"The gas leak? No, not the gas leak. I can't issue a certificate with all of those garbage bags out there. You'll have to clean them up. When you do, I'll give you the passage," answered Mr. Inspector.
"So the gas leak doesn't matter?"
"Nope. Just clean up the garbage bags."
Mind you, this was the safety inspector.
5. Our governor wasn't forced to resign from office after giving his lover a plum state Homeland Security job for which he (the lover) was wholly unqualified.
I'm not sure what I could even add to this one, so I won't add anything at all.
Oh, by the way, New Jersey has a state income tax. That must be why everything is so wonderful. Of course, I'm sure that the Newark city school system is a real gem.
Comments
Wow, no new post on this blog for a day and a half and then along comes "New Jersey Sucks Donkey Balls". Surely this is this blog's first reference to donkey balls. Kudos.
Posted 04/22/2005 at 10:09:42 AMAlso, I thought long, rambling posts were Claire's baliwick.
Posted 04/22/2005 at 10:11:44 AMGosh ... it doesn't sound like any self-respecting donkey would allow NJ to suck its balls ...
Posted 04/22/2005 at 10:21:03 AMWell, after this fine publication's editor upped the ante with a post entitled "Eat Me, Bernard" could donkey ball suckage have been very far behind?
Posted 04/22/2005 at 10:40:20 AMI think the succinct and apt "... State sucks, Duke swallows" comment at the beginning of the month foretold this direction ...
Posted 04/22/2005 at 11:30:05 AMRemember the good old days, when they all thought my blog was too racy to be mentioned around here?
Posted 04/22/2005 at 11:34:33 AMElephant nuts.
Posted 04/22/2005 at 01:25:11 PMWere I a donkey (and how do you know I'm not), I wouldn't let my foolish pride prevent me from getting my balls sucked, from NJ or any other ball-sucking state. If I did, I'd be an ass.
Posted 04/22/2005 at 01:41:22 PMRoger, I think you come down a little harshly on the Garden State. After all, New Jersey does have a state seashell, the "knobbed whelk." On the other hand, it is said to be the car theft capital of the world, with more cars stolen in Newark than in NYC and LA combined (so says a page of NJ Facts and Trivia).
Posted 04/22/2005 at 01:42:17 PMI wish to credit Trey Parker and Matt Stone for the "donkey balls" bit. It was said by Cartman to no one in particular as he got on the bus to go to the Cosat Rican rainforest: "Oh man, this is gonna suck donkey balls." Pure poetry.
Posted 04/22/2005 at 03:39:13 PMKyle's mom is a biiiitch! Quote by Eric Cartman
Posted 04/22/2005 at 05:33:22 PMI love it when patricia says "balls" and "swallows" and "sucks".
Posted 04/22/2005 at 05:50:49 PMNew Jersey does, indeed suck. Not that I've been there. Though I have to say that I'm jealous you could put bags of garbage out front for collection. The assholes that "collect garbage" for Nashville won't touch the bags outside my house and even throw around my garbage can to show their disapproval of my bags.
Posted 04/23/2005 at 04:49:46 PMAs a Tennessean currently in exile in Oregon, the only other state that won't let you pump your own gas, I can explain that bit. The official story -- that it's for safety -- was just to get it through the legislature. It's unofficially a jobs program for teenagers, recent immigrants, and other unskilled workers. Whether that's a good idea or not is a matter of opinion. I've come to appreciate it in the winter, but I still drive across the river to Washington State to pump my own from time to time, just to keep the habit so the next time I'm back home in Nashville, I don't sit for ten minutes in the self-serve lane waiting for the pump jockey like a total moron.
Posted 04/25/2005 at 05:49:43 AMState income tax = good. States with state income taxes, New Jersey included, do NOT have near-10% sales taxes like Tennessee. NJ may suck, but leave ignorant tax comments out of it.
Posted 04/26/2005 at 10:58:28 AMYou're right: I should stick to Very Deep Thoughts like "State income tax=good."
Posted 04/26/2005 at 09:42:48 PMi was raised in new jersey and now i live in mississippi bc my parents made me move here and i can say from experience that the south sucks and theres nothing down here besides shit!! the north has everything and new jersey is the best place in the world to grow up in....mostly south jersey..
Posted 12/21/2007 at 06:22:16 PMAll this legal inbreeding makes you much smarter here.Ignorant moron!
Posted 12/26/2007 at 09:59:03 AMI think Tennesse sucks more than new jersey. At least half the state isn't in-bred and everyone who is brown is messican.
Posted 01/16/2008 at 02:48:00 PMDumb ass, low education attaining retards. Hahahaha!!!!
At least half the state isn't in-bred
No, just you.
Posted 01/16/2008 at 03:47:44 PMNew Jersey is like the Soviet Union with gay rights.
Posted 03/05/2008 at 07:22:04 AMHowyadoin?
Whatthafuck is with these ignorant NJ bastards with their gold chains, loud mouths and shitty attitudes?
Have you ever seen a pretty girl from NJ? (NO)
And what abou their high whiny voices!!!!
Are all the women in NJ so bitchy because the men are all assholes, or vice versa?
NJ has the highest crime rates, highest taxes, most corruption, cars stolen, toxic waste dumps, toll booths, and shitty attitudes per capita, anywhere in the world.
What about those polluted seashores...can't walk on the beach without jabbing a needle in your foot. Garden State My Ass!
you got it right.. NJ SUX.
Posted 06/15/2008 at 03:49:32 PMAll of you people are some of the most ignorant, stereotypical morons I've ever heard.
Spend some ample time in ALL OVER New Jersey (NOT just passing through on its many interstates) and you'll find it's much better than some boring, white trash, southern state that has an enormous area but THREE MILLION people less than New Jersey.
Go milk a cow on your fucking farm you redneck bitches.
Posted 06/23/2008 at 08:59:45 PMI'll happily stay in New Jersey where people are paid to pump gas, helping the economy everyday.
All of you people are some of the most ignorant, stereotypical morons I've ever heard.
Spend some ample time in ALL OVER New Jersey (NOT just passing through on its many interstates) and you'll find it's much better than some boring, white trash, southern state that has an enormous area but THREE MILLION people less than New Jersey.
Go milk a cow on your farm you stupid rednecks.
Posted 06/23/2008 at 09:01:55 PMI'll happily stay in New Jersey where people are paid to pump gas, helping the economy everyday. AND AT LEAST WE HAVE BEACHES!
I stopped reading after point one. Clearly your ignorance is showing. The reason for number 1 is to create jobs for people. How can this escape you?
Unlike in Cali, where they give out welfare like candy, and in the south, where they imprison and "humanely" treat these people, in NJ, we attempt to put them to honest work.
Again, I stopped reading after point 1, because I knew very clearly you are very informed about the topic of nj.
Posted 06/24/2008 at 10:06:36 AMAND AT LEAST WE HAVE BEACHES!
Only because the mob needs someplace to dump bodies.
Posted 06/24/2008 at 03:07:35 PM