Bermuda Triangle
Hey guys, here's an urgent message from Doritos: Buy a bag of our product—only we're not going to tell you what the flavor is. And while you're at it, buy a car from us sight unseen. Just take our word for it—it's got the right number of wheels. Oh, and while you're here, just spin the wheel and select a neurologist for your upcoming exploratory surgery. Really, what kind of idiot would pay for a bag full of Brand X?
After the scanner spit out my receipt, I headed to work with the black-bag Doritos known as "The Quest." It's all part of some ass-brained promotion with a prize at the end: it requires way too much exposition for the payoff of chowing down on triangular gutbombs of unknown origin. (It's like the great Mitch Hedberg routine about the foolishness of handing out receipts for buying a donut: "I give you a dollar, you give me a donut—end of transaction.")
Anyway, you're supposed to guess the (ooh, the suspense is killing me) Mystery Flavor. Which is tough anyway with Doritos, because they're founded upon the very slipperiness of their flavoring. The secret to Doritos is that they're not satisfying. No matter how many bagfuls you eat, no matter how much mossy orange residue collects on your fingers, you're never going to get that knockout blow of flavor that the chip promises. No matter how spicy it gets, it will never provide that climactic burn you get from a piece of hot chicken, that punch that signals your brain, "OK, I'm done." 'Cause then you might stop eating the damn things.
But the mystery presented a challenge. So an emergency meeting was called in my office, and each of us withdrew a chip. We crunched. And chewed. And spitballed. (Not literally, thank God.) Lime. Definitely lime. So much lime you couldn't really get around it. Maybe the mildest of chilis underneath—maybe. After a few moments, each of us took a guess:
Lee: Mojito. (Trendy, flip; a good guess, except—no mint.)
P.J.: Margarita. (Accounts for the lime and the saltiness; we may have a winner.)
Jack: Really, we don't know what the hell Jack was going on about. He said something no one understood about a candy from his childhood, then got this look like Proust eating a madeleine. We haven't heard from him since.
Mr. Pink: Lime cafeteria Jell-O.
I went to the Doritos site, clicked on some kind of secret decoder, and entered our guesses. None matched, but it gave hints as to what I presume is the real flavor. Want to know?
Two words, after the jump.
Mountain. Dew.
Comments
I'm ashamed to admit that I probably would have loved this chip when I was in college. Mountain Dew and Pop-Tarts got me through four years of 8am classes. Haven't touched either since 1994, though.
ps--love that Hedberg joke. One of his best.
Posted 05/30/2008 at 03:45:44 PMOne of my happiest teaching memories is being given Mitch Hedburg's album by my students as a going-away present in Knoxville. Aww...
Did you say prizes were involved?
Posted 05/30/2008 at 06:18:52 PMLesley: I understand the nostalgia, but really: do you want a corn chip that tastes like Mountain Dew? I dew not.
Diana: The prize is $100,000, I think--but before you haul off and quit your job, the site makes you jump through all kinds of hoops with hieroglyphics and puzzles and rebuses and whatnot. I'm not going to break the freakin' Da Vinci Code for the sake of a snack chip.
Posted 05/30/2008 at 10:55:08 PMDon't tell the British, for the love of Pete. When we lived in Blighty, for the Queen of England's 50th jubilee, the potato chip, (sorry, crisp) company Walker's introduced "Great British Flavors" line of celebratory chips, sorry, crisps. And they were: ketchup, marmite, Worcestershire sauce, roast chicken, beef and onion, and curry prawn (taste of the Empire!) Hard to get your brain around, but they were such a success that nearly all of them are still in production. If they hear about the Mountain Dew Dorito, they'll make a Pimm's-flavored one, and we'll never see Carrington again.
Posted 05/31/2008 at 05:41:04 PMI have to say, the lamb and mint sauce crisps were just a tad too strange, but I like garlic on my lamb anyway.
as for the quest for satisfying heat via the Dorito, try the very odd combination bags (of course, they can't call them combinations, they are, instead, COLLISIONS - is every one of their marketing staff 12 years old?), specifically, the Hot Wings and Bleu Cheese. I found a ratio of about 3 wing to 1 cheese chip to just about put you in that nose running state. (Just don't expect to speak in near proximity to anyone after. Whatever those chemicals are, they can create the absolute worst breath possible.)
Posted 06/02/2008 at 11:03:03 AMFluffernutter: I tried the curry chips in Toronto, and they weren't curry enough to suit me: more like a BBQ chip with just a mild twang of indeterminate Southeast Asian origin.
S L : The foul-breath factor is the main reason I don't consume more Doritos. Mrs. Pink literally gags if I sit anywhere near her after eating Doritos. Maybe they should experiment with a Scope flavor.
Posted 06/02/2008 at 11:11:06 AMOr Fresh Burst Listerine Doritos—the flavor that causes AND kills bad breath. Would they just not taste at all?
Posted 06/02/2008 at 02:53:42 PMDamn! Mountain Dew is nasty, nasty stuff. Ketchup flavor chips on the other hand are sublime, as are the pickle flavor available in Canada.
Posted 06/02/2008 at 02:56:58 PMI really like the Archer Farms brand rosemary & olive oil chips at Target. And the kettle-cooked Lays BBQ are far more appealing than the regular brand.
I wonder: if you wash down the Mountain Dew Doritos with a Mountain Dew, is the taste completely redundant—like eating chocolate cookies with chocolate milk?
Posted 06/02/2008 at 03:20:13 PMIf this proves popular, is Xtreme Nacho Cheese Mountain Dew just over the ridge?
Posted 06/02/2008 at 03:49:49 PMI'm hoping for Cool Ranch Coke.
Posted 06/02/2008 at 03:57:54 PMDid someone say ridges?
Posted 06/02/2008 at 04:00:26 PMCan it.
Posted 06/02/2008 at 04:02:42 PMI am now officially known as Freedom Onion Dip. C'est la guerre.
Posted 06/02/2008 at 04:04:41 PMThis is a joke, right?
Posted 06/02/2008 at 05:33:33 PMOnly the part about onion dip. The rest is hardened-in-concrete fact.
Where are the applewood smoked bacon Doritos. Where.
Posted 06/03/2008 at 10:50:38 AMI hear they're testing a dorito flavored applewood smoked pork rind. bad breath AND a lard-coated palate. Now that's the tail wagging the pig...
Posted 06/03/2008 at 01:33:15 PMYuck. Pork rinds are already something I enjoy eating about once a decade, and even then only with an ice-cold glass-bottled Coke.
Suggested Doritos flavors:
Extreme Nutmeg
Posted 06/04/2008 at 04:57:30 AMFurious Taco
Atomic Bergamot
Diabolical Clove
Bip 'n' Bop
Yoo-Hoo
Jumpin' Gyro
Yam Fury
P.J. brought in a bag of the Flavor Collisions or whatever the hell they're called—hot-wing chips and bleu-cheese chips cohabiting in the same bag. A big improvement. That fake lime flavor in the Mountain Dew chips tastes like a Florida pesticide.
Posted 06/10/2008 at 04:14:53 PM